search for sanity

2006-04-13T22:22:00.000-07:00

so i sit here alone in my bed. 7 days till casey leaves for edmonton. i'm feeling extremely insecure about it and i don't think he's doing anything to make it any better. i don't know it just fuckin sucks. when i haven't seen him in a week during his last 2 weeks. it's a little ridiculous. i just wish he'd make more of an effort to actually spend time with me and see me, coz HELLO, you're leaving. fuuuuuck. it makes me so angry. i just wanna see him dammit. why can't he just do that. i just want some goddam effort. i hate this.

goodbye love

2006-03-25T20:10:00.000-08:00

so on wednesday casey told me that he has to go back to edmonton because his mum is sick. he's moving there now to live. it breaks my heart to know that he is leaving vancouver and not having the convenience to see him just bus rides away. it's so ironic that the same night (tuesday) he told me he loved me was the same night he talked to his brother and andy told him that their mum is sick and now he has to go back.

he was supposed to leave the end of march, but his work won't let him go that quickly so he might stay an extra week which i'm not complaining about at all.

it's such bad timing! but then again, when will it ever be good timing?? maybe when i'm done school and i come with him? that'll be in 2 years. i just don't wanna do this long distance thing but i have no choice. it sucks so much. i'm gonna miss him everyday that he's away.

the good news is that i'm planning to go to edmonton for the summer and live with him there..i wanted to go in may right after school ends, but he says he needs time to settle down, maybe get his own place so he doesn't have to share with his brother and his brother's roommate with me there as well. so june to augsut..i might push it further to september till school starts. around 3 months..i don't think that's enought..but that's just me..

i love him so much, i don't want to lose him. it has to work...i just have to try my best to be as positive as i can be..since i'm not really good at being positive. i'm a like a walking negative ball of energy..so i need to discard all that pessimism for the sake of my sanity..

failed breakdancer

2006-03-13T06:44:00.000-08:00

so i sprained/twisted, whatever, my ankle yesterday during break..i had to slip out of the class, hopefully no one noticed, since i was so embarassed that i even did that and that i was all teary-eyed from the pain. i've actually never been injured before in my whole entire life, so this is all so new to me. so i had to sit at the harbour dance couch for almost an hour waiting for casey to come get me. he brought me to a clinic, then to st. paul's hospital to get an x-ray and thank god, i didn't break anything. i was being a baby about it the whole night, it was sad. thank god casey's patient with me. best boyfriend ever.

after all that ankle fiasco, we stayed at his house and watched legends of the fall, which i thought was a pretty good movie. it's one of casey's favorite and i wanted to watch something old that i've never seen. great movie, made me cry in one scene, and casey cried in several parts..haha. i think it's cute when he does that...not unmanly whatsoever. i hate guys who have to try to act tough all the time, trying to prove something all the time...waste, i say, a waste.

so now i limp away..i dunno if i can handle limping around the campus today..i gotta go on this big ass hill to get to the film building.my crutches won't help if i have my pack in my back..grr..injuries suck.

need to tough it out though..i never miss class and i don't play to start now..

i'm missing work tonight which sucks coz i really needed that money and i'm gonna have to miss tap tomorrow which also sucks because i waste my money...oh well i'll go to class and just watch them or something..

2006-03-07T09:08:00.000-08:00

i just finished my production test, i was the first one to finish and i got 30 out of 30! which is pretty sweet considering i never listened in class and i only started studying yesterday.

i'd really like to keep my marks up from last semester. i was on the dean's list last sem and it'd be nice if i'm still there this term. my parents would delighted and i as well. =D

i'm having a better week so far. i have tap today, i always look forward to going but when i'm there i fail miserably so i just kinda get discouraged though. i'm still a bit sore from breakdancing. i love that class. soo fun. i enjoy it way more than breakdance. it's the one day of the week where i actually get off my ass and move..it's a total workout.

i have such a boring life. but things are lookign up. school's not bad right now, boyfriend is fantabulous, parents and i are getting along. except for the money situation everything is fine and dandy.

i'll see how long this will last till another thing comes shitting my way. oh well gotta keep positive.

weekend update

2006-03-06T08:40:00.000-08:00

i think everything is slowly starting to get back to normal. i hung out with casey last night. had the mad sex and ate at banana leaf. good times. it was actually pretty fun. i made a concious decision to make it good, to not be negative and just enjoy. and i guess it worked. at the end of the night when we were about to leave his house so he can drive me home, he said that he had fun and what we have is beautiful.

space is good. it's very important we keep a good healthy relationship, once it stops being healthy, there's no point. i don't want another dysfunctionality in my life. i love him. i want him around.

so i actually went out saturday night. some of the ASAS kids and i went to the bourbon in honour of laena's bday, 2nd weekend in a row. i had fun, felt like i splurged a little since i don't really have much money to spend, but got a little buzzed, as much as i allowed myself. and got a little high. it was fun dancing, then the music got bad and there were too many people on their teeny dance floor, and i when i rock it out, i need some goddamn space to dance, i'm such a flailer so i will end up kicking you if you dance right beside me.

the bourbon is such a sketch bar. but it was fun for the most part, and i never go out, so it was a little treat for me. yaay for a good weekend. a long awaited and much deserved good weekend.

i'm going to watch the very first production of titus andronicus in vancouver on march 15th, and i'm pretty stoked! anna cummer, my beloved, oh so talented arts umbrella acting teacher is in it..and i'm super excited. i didn't even know she was in it till i was planning to go get tickets. i can't wait to see her!

that's her with the bloody face. so stoked. =D

sick and tired

2006-03-01T08:17:00.000-08:00

so now we're on a little space break. this is supposed to be really good for me. i need to get myself back. but right now, i can't help but feel betrayed. i dunno why. but i really need to try to be more positive. stop being so hard on myself and just be. i've tried to erase him as much as i actually can.

i'm tired of crying. i don't wanna do it anymore. i'm tired of everything. i need to believe, but it's so hard...it's so much easier just giving up. grrrrr. i need a new self. i need a new life.

i just feel really betraayed. uggh. dammit. why why why. it's like right now i don't want to entertain him anymore. i just want him to realize how important i am to him. i dunno man, i'm just this fucked up kid, who doesn't know what's going on.

goodbye. off to another day of school.

2006-02-28T10:07:00.000-08:00

i'm so tired of feeling like shit all the time. it just amazes me how much casey just affects me emotionally. grrr. i'm just tired. i just don't wanna do it anymore. i so want it to be like old times. i wrote him this really long intense letter last night...and i thought we worked it out a little bit.....but this morning he called me and there's just things he said that just pissed me off. fuck, i just keep telling myself to stop trying. stop giving so much effort coz you're not getting it back. so forget it, from now on. i'm not gonna try anymore. i'm just not. i'm sick of it. i just look like an idiot because of it. agggh...i hate him. he fucken pisses me off...grrrrr. i'm so angry. i'm so full of rage...raggghhhhh.

i'm so goddamn emotional and moody! i HATE BEING A GIRLL!!!!

ryan is a douchbag

2006-02-12T06:25:00.000-08:00

i fell asleep last night thinking bad thoughts about ryan. i just now have new opinions about him considering what happened last night. the bathroom fiasco i should say.

so he called casey during work to tell him he gets dibs on the bathroom on valentines day. so i react with a big NO WAY because i had plans for the bathroom that casey did not know of. so now he knows and it's ruined. it was supposed to be a surprise. and ryan, the little shit ruined it.

he proposed that we toss coins for it and i said no, explaining to him that i'm not gonna stay over night and that i would've been using it around after casey's work..so i mean by all means, they could use it after. but no, he insisted on tossing coins that casey won. so now he doesn't get the bathroom. and it's like now i don't even care anymore, i don't even wanna do the whole bathroom thing because now it's ruined. it just disgust me how he wanted to deal with it. i was willing to compromise and let everyone have a go of it..but no, he insisted on getting dibs for the bathroom, so he wanted it all, and then tossing coins for it, so one can get either all or nothing. i dunno just his concept against mine is sickening. that just shows what kind of person he is. but all is well, that's what he gets for being so selfish,he loses the coin toss and he gets jack.

well basically i'm just fed up with him. he's an asshole. he's not really a nice person. like he's nice because he has to and that's what socially acceptable, but if he didn't have to he wouldn't and he'd just act like a complete asshole. also, he chooses which people to be nice to. which is the most sickening part. it's bad enough that you're just an asshole to people, but when you select who you're nice to and who you treat like dirt, then that's even worse.

i'm sorry but i've known him for a year and he has not taken an effort to get to know me, and i don't really care coz i have..but when he wants to know something about me he prods, he beats around the bush about it like he is poking fun at me and make me say things i shouldn't or something. but seriously, if you just wanna get to know me, you ask me questions, you don't go and try proving your assumptions about me by poking around.

i dunno everything casey has told me he's been doing at home. grrr..he just angers me now. his house ettiquette is non existent first of all, he lives like a complete pig, he's so insecure. oh god, i can keep going. him and his fricking girlfriend are so annoying, specially together. it sickens me. if he tries anything on me like say something insulting towards me it's over. shit's gonna go down.

we are one.

2006-02-06T08:50:00.000-08:00

casey and i had our one year anniversary yesterday. i can't believe it's been a year. it went by so fast. i had a lovely time with him this weekend he picked me up from this awful party at lynn valley on saturday night and we proceeded to go to his house after and i stayed over. the next day we went to see the vagina monologues at the centennial theatre which was fun. i got to say CUNT out loud for the performer onstage. haha. and then we ate at zubeez cafe in downtown.

it was just nice seeing him again after a while. i actually got to spend time with him this time. i gave him a present which was a cue stick and he really likes it so i'm glad. he plays pool a lot and competes in leagues so i figured he needed to have his own stick to play even better.

it's been a year since everything has happened. that's intense. but can i just say we are the most unsexy couple and it's so funny. yesterday was just something out of a teen comedy.

another one of those whiny girly posts..

2006-02-01T21:46:00.000-08:00

this sucks. i hate feeling like this. this week started off sucky and it just keeps on sucking. why is it sooo hard to stay positive. why. that's it. i don't like boyfriends. they consume you and suck you in. aggh there goes cynical me again.

well basically it all comes down to me being girly and missing him. why is it that we live in the same fucking town yet i never fucking get to spend time with him. nothing of quality anyways. it's messed. gosh i feel selfish saying this. but it's kinda true. and i can't help it. i've been sucked into it a long time ago and there's no way out unfortunately.

shit just keeps hitting the fan for him financially. and that just blows. i'd be fucking pissed off if i was him.

it's the worst feeling missing someone you love and it sucks even more when they're right there and they're not doing anything about it. annoying.

it's funny coz i got him a present. i got him a cue stick since he's all about pool now and he's in a league and he was robbed the 1st prize and won second in the finals a few weeks ago. i told him that i got him something but didn't tell him what. i'm so bad at keeping secrets, so i had to let something out. i get too goddam excited. i got it for him coz it's kinda of our 1st year anniversary on sunday and it's valentine's day coming up..so that's my excuse for getting him something. we don't really get each other stuff or celebrate anything.....AAAND we haven't talked about the fact that it's our one year. it's kind of a taboo topic. we both know it's coming up but we haven't brought it up coz we are retarded losers like that. our conversation went like this..

me: i got you something! i'm so excited!
casey: for when?
me: what do you mean for when?
casey: is it for sunday?
me: why? what's sunday?
casey: oh i dunno. when are you gonna give it to me?
me: the next time i see you.

we are retarded. so NOW i know that he knows what SUNDAY even is! haha. and i just pretended like i have no idea and wasn't thinking about it...haha hope it worked that way at least. oh gosh, we still play mind games on each other. i just have this thing where i'm gonna try not to ask him to make plans with me and let him do the asking. i just feel like i'm the only who does it..and i wanna see if he's gonna do it for this week.

i'm also feeling the "it's been a year" jitters. holee crap. that's big for me. i think. i'm getting a little paranoid and apprehensive about things. i don't have much faith in us yet he does...which is a good thing i guess.

k i have to stop right now and go back to studying for my production quiz.

this day needs to be over

2006-01-29T22:46:00.000-08:00

today was a weird day. it kinda sucked. i went out thinking i'd be hanging out with casey since i left my keys at his house on friday and i thought i'd get it today and then hang out with him. but he made it seem like i was only there to pick up the keys and leave, hello it took me an hour to go to your house, i'd assume i wasn't just gonna go get my keys and leave and the fact that i get to spend time with him once a week. i dunno i felt so stupid thinking he'd actually wanna hang out with me more than once this week.

that made me feel shitty, i just felt like he doesn't have the same level of desire to spend time with each other compared to me. i dunno it's probably just all in my head. it was dumb, coz i just left him in the rain kind abruptly and left to catch my bus. i had to, or i was gonna burst out crying in front of him, which is something i don't like doing. so i turned around headed for the bus stop and cried then. wow, i suck. stupid high-dosage birth control pills! makes me disgustingly over sensitive.

then i went home and asked my parents if they could drive me to superstore to develop my photos, and i had so much trouble trying to transfer the photos i have in my computer, and finally i left and we went there, and my CD didn't even work! gaaah. so annoying. so i didn't even get to do it. and it was my one task of the day. it just sucks. casey sucks.

gosh, it's so hard trying to be positive. i'll be ok tomorrow...i'm just gonna have to sleep off this negativeness. i try soooo hard to be positive, and it's so difficult when the frickin world is so goddamn negative and sometimes unforgiving.

this is me being really selfish but to only get to spend time with casey once (or twice if i'm lucky) a week sucks. i mean i know people who have boyfriends that live in a different town than they do and they get to spend time with their man twice as much as i do. yeah i'm being really girly and gross, but i'm sorry, it sucks. i thought not being in a play this term was good coz i'd get to work and see casey more but it didn't make a difference really. at least with a show, i've got something to do that i enjoy.

well my plan is to just stop assuming he'd wanna hang out, and just let him do all the asking. i feel like i'm the only who asks him to hang out, which i hate. i like effort. i like reciprocation. so i'm gonna try really hard not to ask him anymore. it's gonna be hard because i wanna see him and it's so hard not to when i know i can!

i hate boyfriends. they're so mind-consuming.

new year new blog

2006-01-06T02:24:00.000-08:00

so i spent like hours trying to find a good url name since everything good was already taken. now i have a new blog. i figured i should start writing stuff down again. i haven't for so long and i don't want to write in my old LJ anymore because it's just full of crap. i'm not the same person that used to write in that journal, so why not start a new one? finally. after almost 5 years of writing in it, it is now time to dispose and start fresh.

i used to be more sane when i wrote stuff down. at least i think i was. ahh, maybe i'm just imagining it. i'm probably just as crazy as before.

so january 2006. now i start my inevitable year end review and year starter entry.

2005 was a rollercoaster of events. unbelievable. it started out with big events leading to even bigger events that i dare not mention out loud. but nonetheless it has brought me to where i am now and i don't regret anything so i accept all of the events and circumstances that lead me to today. as jonathan larson says "forget regret or life is yours to miss".

2005 was too big a year to mention in one post. either that or i'm too lazy and tired. it's 2:15 and i still can't sleep!

i'm getting really confused now though. i'm thinking too much again.

haha i found a way to get my old url name back. now it's back to good ol' nodaybu2day. i might change it again.